“What’s next?” I ask myself. A week long reflection in March turned into six months. My life didn’t proceed the way I hoped no did it develop into something unexpectedly good. It has been a disappointing journey.
If I died today, I would be dis-satisfied with the collection of moments and impacts I made. I could have given more. I could have experienced life more. I focused on dreams not my own and remained in the comfort zone of normalcy instead. It upsets me that I squandered this gift of life.
I am blessed with a number of advantages not provided to others. I have a loving mother. My brothers have been good to me. My family provided a safety net every time I fell. I didn’t appreciate what I had and focused on what I didn’t have. I focused on what was hurting and tearing me me down. I think that’s why it bothers me so much. There are so many people who started with so little that accomplished so much.
This is my one and only life. It is mine and no one else’s. I can no longer live under the shadow of someone else’s dream or the weight of their expectations. I need see how far forward I can move my life in the direction and manner I want. I want to see what kind of impact I can make along the way.
A bit of sadness fills me when I look at the past and what I have failed to do. It is what it is. I need to let go. I can not change the past. I can only work in the present to craft the future. The past provides hints and wisdom to be applied today, nothing more. The sadness can fuel the nervous excitement for action like a prairie fire preparing the land for new life.
I don’t know what’s next. Right now, life is like a map of an area I want to visit and explore. There are so many trails, routes, and roads to consider. Each of them has its own unique characteristics, beauty, and challenges. I want to do it all but I am limited by time. It’s time to determine what’s important and make the rest of my life great.